If you’ve avoided buying whitegoods that connect to the Internet for fear of them downloading music and buying stuff on eBay, I have some bad news.
From the moment you plugged in your fridge, freezer, washing machine, dryer, oven or dishwasher, it’s been communicating with your other whitegoods. But they’re not talking about the latest album they downloaded, or the eBay item they just put a bid on.
Instead, they’re working out the most inconvenient time to break down.
And it’s a fine line. If they break down too early, they’ll probably be repaired under warranty. And if they leave it too late, they may be replaced before they have the chance to destroy your clothes and spoil your food.
Your fridge and freezer will probably go first, because they know how much you love food. Right now you might not think it’s such a bad thing. Your house feels pretty much like a freezer anyway, so you could just leave everything out on the kitchen bench.
But with no way to hide anything from view, it won’t be long before your family devours the lot, leaving only a few Brussels sprouts and a jar of mayonnaise that gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘cultured dining experience’.
The oven will probably be the next volunteer, especially if it fits snugly in your kitchen bench. And chances are they don’t make ovens that size any more, so you’ll have to replace not only your oven but also half your kitchen.
The washing machine may also join in, but not until you leave the house during a wash cycle. Only then will it rock its way across the laundry floor, ripping its hoses off and telling the others, “I’m free, I’m free!”
And of course it’s only a matter of time before the dishwasher and dryer stop working as well.
It’s time to go shopping for replacement whitegoods. You’d like to get ones that run on batteries so they can’t talk to each other, but instead you have to rely on extended warranties. (“How much would 50 years cost?”)
And after paying for delivery and installation, you can finally get back to listening to the kids complain there’s nothing edible in the fridge. (And for the first time in their lives, they’d be right.)
The question is, what do you do with the old ones (other than use them for target practice)?
You could just leave them out on the front lawn and wait for the next kerbside collection. But that could take months, during which time a family could have moved into your fridge. (“Dibs on the top shelf.”)
Another option would be to pile them up, paint them in hideous colours, and convince your local art gallery to buy your latest masterpiece (“Industrial Devolution”).
But the simplest option of all is to call Brizzy Rubbish Removals. They’ll come to your house, pick up your whitegoods and take them away to be recycled and/or disposed. (You may want to tell the family living in your fridge first.)
And the best thing is, as long as they can contact you by phone you don’t even need to stick around. Which means you can get on with more important things.
Like finding out which appliance has been ordering all that stuff on eBay.