Getting trim for spring

Winter is over, and we finally get to say goodbye to Jack Frost. Unfortunately, a lot people will now be saying hello to a new arch nemesis—Harry Hay Fever. (Forget about skipping through fields of flowers. These people will be sprinting to the nearest chemist to to buy a truckload of Claratyne.)

Yes, spring is here at last. And if you stop for a minute and take a look around you’ll immediately be trampled by hay fever sufferers.

But once the stampede has passed, take another look and you’ll see the trees and gardens bursting with colour. It’s as if they’ve all had a month’s worth of growth overnight. Unless they happen to be your trees and gardens, in which case it will be more like three months’ worth.

And while you’re more than happy to just let nature take its course, your partner probably has other ideas.

Fact: Father’s Day was deliberately moved to September so men could receive chainsaws and hedge trimmers as gifts.

Of course, along with your “gifts” you’ll need protective gloves, protective eyewear and a wide-brimmed hat. The hat is very important, as it hides your face from passers-by so they hopefully won’t recognise you as you turn your garden into a topiarist’s worst nightmare.

Make no mistake: it’s going to be hard work. But after an hour or so you should have your power tools revving away, which is the signal for the local paramedics to be on standby.

It’s finally time to have some fun. Forget about geometric shapes, and even straight lines. You aim is to remove as much of the growth as you can possibly get away with. So slice away as much as you can while still keeping your limbs (and hopefully your letterbox) intact.

When you finish you’ll no doubt have a knee-deep pile of branches and hedge clippings. (You may also have several species of wildlife and one or two missing children, but the local authorities can deal with them.) You could wait to see if Santa got you a wood chipper for Christmas, or you could get in touch with Brizzy Rubbish Removals and let them take care of it for you.

They’ll come around to your house (“It’s the one with the police car and the Parks and Wildlife vehicle out the front”), gather up gather up all those branches and clippings, and take them away for you. You don’t even need to be there for garden rubbish removal, although right now you’re pretty much stuck. And all without you lifting a finger.

Which is good, because by now you’ve probably lost the feeling in both your arms.